FRUSTRATION

Just a quick check in. 
So, its a week since I got my Aircast boot. How has that been? Well, after the first day, it has become easier to get around - to a certain extent. It is easier to get around, but on the back of that, I have started to really suffer with bad hip pain. I feel the strain on my hips and lower back a bit hellish. I get up in the morning, and feel okish. I go downstairs and start pottering on my knee scooter, but within an hour, my hips are killing me. I suppose that is the time to STOP, and rest. Unfortunately with my partner in work and my daughter in school, a lot of the time I cant stop. 
I feel so very frustrated. Frustrated about what I cannot do, and what the other members of the household are not doing that I "expect" them to do. The trouble is, at this stage, if I ask for things to be done, they are being done with an element of resentment. I notice the little things, but either they dont or they choose not to. Go figure. Then, if I ask or point something out, Im "nagging"... it breaks my heart, both that Im accused of this horrible word, and that I have to. 
So, frustration plays a big part in the healing process. Frustration at myself for what I cannot do, frustration at what isnt being done which is fairly obvious to me but not to others in the household - (example - a vase of dead flowers on the table), and then the frustration at the pain. 

The thing is, I know that all this will pass. I know that in another 6ish weeks Im going to be able to get around a bit easier, so Ive just got to have patience. I mean deep breaths patience. But how do I encourage patience in those around me?? 

Ok, so Im going to write this now while Im "in the moment".... 

I am just back from having my cast removed. Taking into account it is a 2 hour drive there and back to the hospital, I have to say I am utterly exhausted. And in pain, and, well, yes, both of those things. 

On the upside, the surgeon (or should I say one of his surgical team, as he wasnt in today) said the xray looked great, and the wounds are healing brilliantly. I was really happy to hear this, as I kept having this sensation around the tibial tendon area that the wound was being rubbed - it wasnt. 

If you are waiting on this surgery, be prepared for when the cast comes off - its not a pretty sight!!! Hairy legs, dry skin, red tinges all over the foot... yes, I wont be entering a foot modelling competition any time soon. Also another good tip is to bring a long knee high sock with you to put on before you put the boot on. I am very proud of myself that I remembered!!! 

So, the boot. It does put your foot into a very different position, and this causes weird pains that you didnt or havent had for the past 6 weeks. I remember now that the foot DOES NOT LIKE CHANGE!!! It will fight, and the fight is vocalised with pain, so be prepared. 

Im home now, with the boot off, and the foot just lying there in its long sock. Im very nervous about moving it, and it is very sensitive. The doc said I can sleep without the boot, but funnily enough, Im quite nervous about the prospect tonight, so I will see later. 

Ive taken brufen and paracetamol. I was tempted to take a codipar earlier, but Im going to try and hold off. I really havent the energy to fight even a slight codeine withdrawal. 

So, going forward, I am back to outpatients in 6 weeks. I am PWB (partial weight bearing) until then - and have to go by pain levels as to how much to do. I do remember that part, and its all about not pushing past a certain pain level. I know from reading back from last surgery that it will probably take a few days for the foot to get used to having the boot on. So its a bit of patience from now. 

As you can see, the foot looks really good, and healing so well. Im delighted. It will take some soaking and exfoliating to get the dry skin off, but it will be nice in the process!!! 

I'll be back in a few days to report on how Im doing. 

Take care any fellow PTTD'ers!!! 

Week 5.1!!! 

Five weeks and one day! Wow. Since my last post, I struggled. Sleep was not had, mood dipped very low, felt very agitated. Now, I felt lucky because knowledge is power. I knew that this was all part of the process - of withdrawal from the codeine, four weeks on from recovery, feelings of "stuckness", but even knowing that, its still not been easy. I was terrified that I was going to slip back into depression and anxiety, but I also worked at staying in the moment, and remembering that there were a lot of elements to how I was feeling. I made a pact with myself that if the low mood continued for more than 2 weeks I would go to see my GP. 

But the past few days have been so much better. I have spoken to friends and family and Ive been out for coffee, and been to a supermarket - that was great!! 

Pain wise I'm absolutely fine. The odd twinges around the site of the tendon transfer, so Im hoping that there aren't any problems, but I'm sure its fine. 

So, not much else to talk about. Still I would say, I have no regrets having had this done. Its a long old haul, a lot of patience needed, ups and downs, but being prepared and having the knowledge of what you are going into is key. You will never be 100% ready even knowing all this, and to be honest, I thought this time would be so much easier because Ive done it before, but no, I actually think Ive found it harder. 

Only 6 days left of the cast...... thank goodness!!!! 

The Pain Meds Post

Its 4 weeks today since I had the surgery. I have to say, it feels like an eternity, in good and bad ways. In an odd way it has gone by quickly, but in another dimension its has been forever!!!! It is also my Birthday! Yikes!!! 

So, following on from Mondays post - I decided to totally stop the codeine. My plan is, pain meds as needed, but for now, only paracetamol or brufen. I have to say, yesterday was yuck. Now, here is the thing - am I feeling/having symptoms because I know about them, or am I really having them? I mean, Im not going through full blown withdrawal from heavy dependency, but I am definitely feeling the withdrawal. My legs are the main thing, the heavy "ache" in them, and then the evening restlessness. I also had really bad diarrhea - not sure if that was the withdrawal, it certainly is a symptom with heavy opiate withdrawal but as I said, 30mg of codeine a day over the whole day is not considered to be a heavy dependency (that is what I had gotten down to).  

I also wondered if the fact that I was on Tramadol previously has factored into the withdrawal symptoms? 

Last night wasn't great. I took 1 Panadol night - they have a "sleepy" antihistamine in them, and I do find that they help me sleep. I also took ½ a zanax for the restless legs. I dosed off after about an hour, but then would you believe I woke, and could not for the life of me settle again. I read, I tried to listen to meditations, I read again, I just lay and did breathing techniques, I tossed turned, went to the loo, and eventually I took another panadol night and another ½ zanax. I also have an app on my phone that has nature sounds, but also "binaural" sounds, so I set the dreamless sleep binaural sound, and would you believe - oscillating fan and I actually cant remember how long it took but I did end up getting to sleep thankfully. I slept all the way through to 7am this morning. 

Painwise Im actually doing fine. Its weird, I keep thinking, "ooh, I must take my meds", but I actually dont need to. Thats great isnt it?!? Im not pain-free, but its more than manageable. To be totally honest, the worst thing Im suffering from at the moment is achy legs, and not to be able to go for a walk, or swim or have an epsom salts bath is the worst!!! But Im hoping that that will pass with time. Its funny, there is always a little voice in the back of my head saying, maybe if I took just one 15mg tab, it would just ease it a little - but the logical me knows that that is the voice that drives it from being pain relief to addiction. I know my mood has definitely dropped as well - again, codeine is a great mood upper - known to be, well, any of the opiate group are, so when you remove it, the mood drops. 

Im really documenting this to show that it is a reality of post surgery, and one of the downsides. I googled codeine withdrawal yesterday, and found a thread with so many people talking about how they developed a dependency, and a lot of them were like me - post surgery, or with bad back pain, and it just spiraled. It is so easy to "trick" a doctor into keep on giving the pain meds, and I really feel that this is something that needs to be addressed. My GP's never questioned the repeat prescriptions for Tramadol for a year and a half and I know we should all take responsibility for our own health, but there should be a point where it is red flagged. 

 All along the way, since the surgery, since I had to deal with the pain nurse in the hospital, I have had this fear, or awareness of opiate dependency - especially after the Tramadol..... and I feel lucky that I had this fear to stop me spiralling. I am a bit too much of a controller to let it overcome me. I should thank myself for this - as it is probably that which has stopped me from becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs or letting my love of food turn me into a super obese person (Im overweight but never get past a certain point!). I have addiction on my fathers side, and Im very aware that it is something that can go through generations. 

Otherwise, I have nothing to report. Tick/Tock, Tick/Tock........ 

The Pain Meds Post

Its 4 weeks today since I had the surgery. I have to say, it feels like an eternity, in good and bad ways. In an odd way it has gone by quickly, but in another dimension its has been forever!!!! It is also my Birthday! Yikes!!! 

So, following on from Mondays post - I decided to totally stop the codeine. My plan is, pain meds as needed, but for now, only paracetamol or brufen. I have to say, yesterday was yuck. Now, here is the thing - am I feeling/having symptoms because I know about them, or am I really having them? I mean, Im not going through full blown withdrawal from heavy dependency, but I am definitely feeling the withdrawal. My legs are the main thing, the heavy "ache" in them, and then the evening restlessness. I also had really bad diarrhea - not sure if that was the withdrawal, it certainly is a symptom with heavy opiate withdrawal but as I said, 30mg of codeine a day over the whole day is not considered to be a heavy dependency (that is what I had gotten down to).  

I also wondered if the fact that I was on Tramadol previously has factored into the withdrawal symptoms? 

Last night wasn't great. I took 1 Panadol night - they have a "sleepy" antihistamine in them, and I do find that they help me sleep. I also took ½ a zanax for the restless legs. I dosed off after about an hour, but then would you believe I woke, and could not for the life of me settle again. I read, I tried to listen to meditations, I read again, I just lay and did breathing techniques, I tossed turned, went to the loo, and eventually I took another panadol night and another ½ zanax. I also have an app on my phone that has nature sounds, but also "binaural" sounds, so I set the dreamless sleep binaural sound, and would you believe - oscillating fan and I actually cant remember how long it took but I did end up getting to sleep thankfully. I slept all the way through to 7am this morning. 

Painwise Im actually doing fine. Its weird, I keep thinking, "ooh, I must take my meds", but I actually dont need to. Thats great isnt it?!? Im not pain-free, but its more than manageable. To be totally honest, the worst thing Im suffering from at the moment is achy legs, and not to be able to go for a walk, or swim or have an epsom salts bath is the worst!!! But Im hoping that that will pass with time. Its funny, there is always a little voice in the back of my head saying, maybe if I took just one 15mg tab, it would just ease it a little - but the logical me knows that that is the voice that drives it from being pain relief to addiction. I know my mood has definitely dropped as well - again, codeine is a great mood upper - known to be, well, any of the opiate group are, so when you remove it, the mood drops. 

Im really documenting this to show that it is a reality of post surgery, and one of the downsides. I googled codeine withdrawal yesterday, and found a thread with so many people talking about how they developed a dependency, and a lot of them were like me - post surgery, or with bad back pain, and it just spiraled. It is so easy to "trick" a doctor into keep on giving the pain meds, and I really feel that this is something that needs to be addressed. My GP's never questioned the repeat prescriptions for Tramadol for a year and a half and I know we should all take responsibility for our own health, but there should be a point where it is red flagged. 

 All along the way, since the surgery, since I had to deal with the pain nurse in the hospital, I have had this fear, or awareness of opiate dependency - especially after the Tramadol..... and I feel lucky that I had this fear to stop me spiralling. I am a bit too much of a controller to let it overcome me. I should thank myself for this - as it is probably that which has stopped me from becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs or letting my love of food turn me into a super obese person (Im overweight but never get past a certain point!). I have addiction on my fathers side, and Im very aware that it is something that can go through generations. 

Otherwise, I have nothing to report. Tick/Tock, Tick/Tock........ 

So, I thought I would come here and do another blog - break the day up!!! 

Things Ive realised today. To really and truly have the pain under control, I need to keep the foot E.L.E.V.A.T.E.D.... not just up, but yes, TOES ABOVE NOSE. 

Of course I have known about this, but, when you are in the midst of it all, it is harder to actually be compliant - but after a few hours out yesterday, I now realise that, yes, this is really really important in the pain control. 

So how have I come to this conclusion?? Let me explain. 

One of the things Ive been stressing/worrying about this time around is medication dependency. For the past year and a half I have been taking Tramadol - at first for pain relief, yes, but then, when I tried to wean off it, the restless leg syndrome kicked in (no pun intended), and to be quite honest and frank, I ended up taking a maintenance dose knowing that I was going to be having the surgery and knowing from the last surgery that I came off the Tramadol and it was fine. Yes, I regret the day I started taking them again for the pain caused by the left foot, but I did, and lesson learnt. 

So, I insisted this time that that was it with Tramadol - no way will I ever take it ever again. What a horrible drug, and one that I think is prescribed far too freely. 

Anyway, I was put on coedine. Now I have to say Ive never had a problem with coedine before, and certainly never felt like I was dependent or needing it, but as a worrier, I know after all the warnings here in Ireland (you would not believe how difficult it is to buy any over the counter medication containing coedine here) that there is a real chance of my body becoming physically dependent on it, and believe you me, I do not want or need that in my life. In fact I really want to be free of all meds by this time next year, including blood pressure and reflux meds. 

So, as of today, I am starting  my wean down from the coedine based meds. This means keeping my foot absolutely elevated so as to not have to resort. So far today I have only taken 15mg with paracetamol (Tylenol?), so Im doing well. I will take some at bed if I really feel I need to, but I am going to do my best not to. I want to be free of the coedine tablets by the weekend, and only using them when pain is higher. Up to now I have been taking them at scheduled times to keep ahead of the pain, but now I feel is time to work them down and only use as needed (I would REALLY appreciate anyone elses opinion on this if you would be good enough to leave me a comment!!!). 

Onto the other thing that has been bothering me - I really really miss cooking. I love cooking and I know Im good at it. I mean, really good at it - now posh, restaurant quality, but good family meals, and no matter how hard they try, my family are just not quite getting it!!! I was a member of Slimming World (not hugely successful I might add, but was working at it), and love to create healthy dishes, but now that Im at the mercy of my family, I have to basically take whats given to a certain extent. Then, the boredom eating - oh my gawd, the boredom eating is awful, in that I just want to eat, constantly, and I know its because Im bored.... 

Lordy, I sound like such a whinge bag, and Im really not. Most of the time, Im a very positive, forward thinking person, but today Im fed up and another 2.5 weeks are spanning ahead of me - ugh. 

Today, here in Ireland the sun is shining, and I cant go out in it because there is nowhere for me to go to lie down with my leg elevated enough. So I am looking out my bedroom window at everyone enjoying the sun. And we are having a BBQ for dinner, and no, I have had to say I cant partake because I am afraid to have my foot down after the pain from yesterday and having to take extra meds. 

So at the end of this blog, I am going to write down 3 things Im grateful for - 

1. I am grateful knowing that all this will pass, that I am healing and that I will have the pleasure of having 2 better feet at the end of it all. 
2. I am grateful for those around me, who love and support me and care for me. 
3. I am grateful to be able to look out my window and see glorious sunshine!!! 

Til the next time, over and out. Oh and here is me writing this piece, and showing said elevation!!!! 

The Shit Side of Enforced Arse Sitting!!!

Today I thought I would talk about the shit side of all this. The mind and arse numbing boredom, the frustration having to do the slightest little tasks, the pain searing through your foot and you know you arent due any more pain meds for another 2 hours. Oh and stretching your legs - that one - how awful the pain is when you do a full leg stretch but you cant just do one leg. 

Having to rely on everyone for nearly everything - its really heart breaking. Biding your time to ask for something because you know that the person is busy, or has just sat down, or has been in work all day, or any scenario. "no thanks" becomes a common phrase - or "if you wouldnt mind" or "I hate to ask you but".... 

Waking up in the morning, knowing you should feel grateful for another day dawning, but all you can see is an expanse of another day ahead of you. Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner. Everything revolves around food. And Im fat, so Im well aware that Im probably going to end up fatter - thats for dealing with at a later date because I just havent the mental energy to deal with it now. 

Watching copious amounts of Netflix/live streaming, Youtube videos, doing meditations, reading, Facebook, and more Facebook. 

And sitting around on your numb arse, trying to find a different position, but there just isnt one that means your foot is elevated. 

But you know what, at the end of the day, this will all be worth it. I have to believe that. I have to believe that next summer, I will be strolling around on the beach for pleasure with my dogs. I will be able to walk up the mountains, and take pleasure in it. I will, I will, I will. 

And hey, arent I so very lucky that I can have all this surgery done - that there is hope for me at the end!!! 

Over and out.