Its been a while since I updated this blog. To be honest, I have very little news apart from reporting constant chronic pain and having to take copious amounts of pain meds.
I had hoped that my op was going to be in October. I rang the hospital at the beginning of Sept, and was told in a very curt fashion that "oh no, you will not be having the surgery in October, it will be at least into the New Year"....... I have to say, I sobbed at this news. I had everything pinned on October. Mentally preparing myself. Starting to put in place the backup I would be needing, etc. I was devastated. BUT, as I always do, I pulled myself together and thought right, I just have to get on with it. What more could I do??
I was scheduled for another round of cortisone injections in both feet on the 13/10/14. As before I had the same Doctor doing the injections. Unfortunately, three weeks later, and they didnt work. What a waste.
So, at this stage, where am I at? I now have developed spasming calf muscles - in both legs. I woke up at 5am one morning and my whole left side of my calf was in spasm - as I tried to massage it I could feel it twitching and moving around.... Oh the pain, but while that was doing that, the other side felt like it was going to do the same. That was about two weeks ago, and my calf muscles constantly have felt like they were knotted.... so I made an appointment to have a deep muscle massage with a physio that I use.
I went to him today, and he couldnt believe that I was even able to get around with how knotted and tight my muscles were. He worked on them for over an hour, and now, I sit here with aches but definitely feeling much looser.
At times I feel total despair. I try to hide it from my loved ones, because they already know about the pain and I know they are frustrated and angry on my behalf.
Im terrified that my left foot is going to be too bad to be able to cope with my right one being in a cast and non weight bearing (NWB), as it is already under so much pressure and as bad as my right one. But I know I will cope..... I have no choice. And at this stage, I really and truly just want to get it over and done with. I hate that I am so restricted with what I can do. I hate that I am always so exhausted by evening time. I hate that I cannot do a simple task like the weekly shopping or spend half an hour hoovering my house without having to rest my feet for the rest of the day.
I am so very grateful for the job that I have. It really has saved me mentally as I enjoy doing it and it is a seated position. I have full support from my colleagues and my employers, so I really am blessed.
I often sit and think of how much worse i could be. I could have chronic arthritis, or have a condition that cannot be fixed. BUT knowing that surgery will most definitely give me back some quality of life is what frustrates me. The Irish Government have a lot to answer for. Our health system is in crisis. Too many people are struggling and in severe pain waiting on essential surgery. We have wonderful skilled surgeons who are desperate to perform these surgeries, but due to budgeting constraints, they sit and basically twiddle their thumbs in frustration.
I am thankful for so much in my life. I have wonderful people around me, my family, my partner and my kids, who must be all so sick and tired of hearing my groans and moans, my winces and ouches. My work colleagues who are caring enough to ask how I am.
My GP's who are so angry on my behalf, and as frustrated as I am.
Im just plain worn out. Im worn out from pain. It really does wear you down. I have so much admiration for those that life lives of constant chronic pain. No wonder they are cranky, depressed, irritated - until you have been in that situation, you cannot fathom it.
But listen, the upside is, that although I am in such pain, I can still walk (albeit very painfully), I am able to drive, work, etc. And I know that one day I will walk again, for pleasure.....
No comments:
Post a Comment